Jonathan Heater

Life began miserably enough for the young bassist on a cold January evening in 1971. Not even 10 seconds after being delivered from his mother’s womb, baby Jonathon was accidentally dropped—not once, but several times on his head by a careless doctor (who actually wasn’t even a real doctor, but that’s another story). When asked about this harrowing introduction into the world of matter, Jonathon just shrugs his shoulders and laughs: “I guess some babies are more slippery than others”, he says.

Still, it was evident early on that the boy’s life was destined for a collision with catastrophe. Little Johnny’s childhood dream of working in a toothpick factory was forever dashed when he received a large splinter in his right index finger. This proved to be only the first of a very long procession of increasingly bizarre accidents, finally culminating in an unfortunate mishap involving a bowl of chocolate pudding and a faulty eggbeater.

Jonathon has often been quoted as saying: “ Nothing has ever come easy for me”. This is perhaps best illustrated in his complete failure as a student in school. Mr. Hughes, his high school guidance counselor, suggested that Jonathan was best suited for a career such as collecting aluminum cans by the roadside or selling tiny replicas of the statue of Liberty to immigrants.

Needless to say, Jonathan dropped out of school early. It was about this time that he first became intrigued with the idea of playing music and promptly formed his first singing group, the Craptones.

“We would just stroll through the neighborhood knocking on people’s doors and asking them if we could sing a song in exchange for graham crackers and bowls of soup”, Jonathan remembers. “Often times they would send us away with these huge bags of groceries if we would just stop chanting and pounding our bongos in their driveways!

The group finally got their break when they were invited to perform at the 1992 Eric Estrada Annual Fan Club Convention before an audience of 73 people.

“It was beyond our wildest aspirations”, said Jonathan. We gazed out upon all of those faces and thought “ How did we get here?” One day I’m picking up cans by the side of the freeway, and the next day all this!”

Eventually inflated egos and petty bickering (not to mention some severely foul body order caused members of the group to go their separate ways. The Craptones were defunct.

Disgusted with where his life was going, Jonathan disappeared from the limelight and for the next twelve years his whereabouts is largely unknown. This period has often been referred to as the ‘Lost Years’. And is still the subject of much controversy. Some claim that he traveled deep into the jungles of Central America, teaching the native people how to plant corn and build giant stone megaliths. Others believe that he retreated into the wilderness and ran with the herds of wild stags, eating berries in the summer and moss in the winter.

Whatever the truth may be, when Jonathan finally did resurface many years later, he was broke, hungry and badly in need of new shoes. Enter the picture: Gunshy.

“Working with these guys has been a very fulfilling experience,” Jonathan says. “Being in a band has provided me a perfect outlet for all of my pent up frustrations. Plus it’s a great way to meet chicks!”

But Rock and Roll is not the only interest in this bass player’s life. “Music is just something I do to keep the bill collectors and rent mongers off my ass while I pursue my true passion. Some day I hope to own the world’s largest collection of Don Rickles-shaped potato chips. I’m almost there.

Right now, I think the largest is owned by this guy in Texas, but I’m not sure”.